Monday, 3 September 2007 :D
Here is Episode 3. It is the finale of the LaMe JoKeS bY sLaCkEr triology. Enjoy
136) A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in a corn field sitting in a row boat just rowing away. She gets very upset and gets out of the car to tell her off . Its blondes like you that give all us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and Kick Your ass!
137) Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still got twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."
138) A salesman comes up to a farmer in his barnyard. Next to the farmer is a pig with three legs. As the pig hobbles around, the salesman says to the farmer, "That's terrible! Why don't you put that pig out of his misery?" The farmer drew a deep breath and said, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night, my house caught fire and that pig ran through the house, woke everybody up and got us out safely." "That's no reason to let him suffer!", said the salesman. "That's true", said the farmer. "But there's more. One day, my tractor flipped over. That pig ran back to the house and got help for me. He saved my life." "I'm sure he's very talented", said the salesman, "But look at him. He can hardly walk. Why don't you just take him to a vet and have him put to sleep?" The farmer looked at the salesman and shook his head. "Listen buddy, if you had a pig that was that good, would you eat him all at once?"
139) Why did the leppers have to quit playing hockey? Because there was a face off in the corner.
140) Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.
141) What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.
142) What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.
143) Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs".
144) A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused. The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused. The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says "sorry, no pork pies" so the guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks "why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?" and the guy replies "because you didn't have any pork pies."
145) Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"
146) Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland? Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!
147) What time does a proctologist get up in the morning? At the crack of dawn.
148) Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum that it COULD be done!
149) What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that bights off your leg, then runs for help.
150) What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.
151) Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish! Have you ever seen an elephant in the M&M dish? See it works!
152) Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on.
153) Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Beause he saw his phone bill.
154) In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign, rather bewildered from this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Thought he battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Later that day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout shouted, "Ten enemy ships on the horizon." The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "Ensign, get me my brown pants."
155) Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla! (to kill her)
156) How does a blind parachutist know when the ground is close? His guide dog's lead goes slack.
157) What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
158) Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"
159) What looks like Blu-Tak, feels like Blu-Tak, tastes like Blu-Tak, but isn't Blu-Tak? Smurf poo.
160) Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from it's cage. The zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
161)What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Somebody who lays awake wondering if there's a dog.
162) What's better than finding Barney the Dinosaur in a gargage can? Finding him in TEN garbage cans!
163) A guy goes to the shrink and says, "Doc, you gotta help me...I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee!" The Doctors says, "Just calm down, calm down, you're TWO TENTS!"
164) Why were all the ink spots crying? Thier father was in the pen.
165) What did the dog say to the tree? bark.
Thats the season finale for LaMe JoKeS bY sLaCkEr. Please do NOT miss me...
Shout our names,