Monday, 3 September 2007 :D
Here is another episode that will make you Roll On Floor Laughing. Enjoy :)
1) Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
2) What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
3) Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" Thus one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said "I'm afraid not"
4) Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.
5) A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"
6) A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan".
7) 3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
8) A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the barrtender?"
9) How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...
10) Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it had no guts!
11) A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother, "grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"! The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her identification card, all the information will be there. The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".
12) Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.
13) What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
14) Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
15) What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.
16) Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"
17) Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?
18) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
19) A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
20) Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
21) A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."
22) "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
23) What's brown and sticky? A stick.
24) A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"
25) How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.
26) How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.
27) What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy.
28) Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
29) What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room
30) Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.
31) What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....
32) Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.
33) What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway...
34) A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.
35) What's big and brown and walks through walls? Spooky Dooky.
36) Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!
37) Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
38) One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic. The man said chief you have to get over her my house is on fire. The chief says calm down, how do we get to your house, and the man said you don't have those big red trucks anymore!
39) Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?
40) What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic.
41) What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs.
42) There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.
43) Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.
44) What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
45) What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.
46) Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
47) What is the famous last words in surgery? Ouch!!
48) There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news?" The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."
49) A traveling salesman was driving down a country road when a rabbit ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was sitting on the fence watching. The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft. down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft. and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and says "he'll be okay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves. The farmer wondering what's going on walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and read the label which said FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.
50) What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
51) A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.
52) What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.
53) Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the other: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"
54) Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"
55) A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."
56) How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!! How do you turn a dog into a cat? You tie up the dog, get an electric saw to cut him, and watch him go MEOWWWWW!!!!!!
57) How do you get Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs.
58) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
59) What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet
60) Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
61) Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.
62) What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.
63) What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.
64) An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"
65) What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated.
66) How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer.
67) Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland"
68) Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!
69) What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
70) Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"
71) What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!
72) A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married, Could you get us married here in heaven." Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "we want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds,"give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer."
73) famous last words of a mafia hit man... "who put the violin in the violin case !"
74) Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
75) What do you do if you see a person having an epilepsy attack in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in quick!
76) How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
77) What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.
78) How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
79) How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.
80) What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.
81) How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
82) What do you call a man with a pint of beer on his head? Beartrix
83) What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt
84) Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
85) What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!
86) Didya hear about the procter and Gamble worker who fell in the vat of lotion? He softened to death
87)Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a chinese guy run over by a truck? The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.
88) Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!
89) Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!
90) Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!
91) Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!
92) How do you greet a 2-headed monster? Hello, Hello
93) What do you do when you are inside an elephant? Run around and run around til you're all pooped out.
94) I once had a diamond but I took it for granite.
95) what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob
96) what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art
97) What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"
98) How do you make pizza? Stick a leper next to a fan.
99) What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.
100) Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
101) What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk 'em and then pitch to the rhino.
102) This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker Arty start talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers headline read, "Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods".
103) A young man comes into the doctors and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents are. For example, one day my mother wanted some Ice Cream, so she went out to get some. But my father stopped her, telling her that he would get some. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'no', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says. He leaves, comes back half an hour later, gives his wife a bag. "What!" she scrams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"
104) What did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? Nothing -they just let out a little whine.
105) What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
106) Once apon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over nate and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever...
107) When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
108) Why Did The skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!
109) Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube (beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself!
110) This man has this dog that has no legs. One day someone asked him "Whats wrong with your dog?" And the man said... "What are you blind or something? He has no legs." Oh well what is it's name? Well I call it cigarette. Why in the world do you call it cigarette? Well because sometimes I like to take it out for a drag
111) How did Hitler tie his shoes? In littel nazi's
112) What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.
113) A man left his beef ranch to his three sons and they named it "Focus" because that's there the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).
114) Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.
115) What did the clown say when he cracked an egg on his head? Yuk, yuk, the yolk's on me.
116) What does a one leggeged ballerina wear. A one one
117) What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
118) What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
119) How did the teenager know that he had bad acne? His dog called him spot.
120) What's the biggest advanage of being a cannibal abortionst? You do not have to go out for lunch.
121) A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark ally. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs. Later on at the police station, the officer asks him,"Can you give me a desciption of the assailents?" The snail ponders this for a moment, and then replies," Gee, I'm not sure... it all happpened so fast."
122) What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)
123) What does a lawyer use for Birth Control? His personality
124) Why are fish shops always crowded? Because the fish fillet!!!
125) What's long, yellow, and has been out in the sun too long? A bananna peel.
126) A hillbilly walks into a feed store and stares at the fan. "Wowee," he says, "thet's the fastest dern squirrel I've ever seen!"
127) Where do zombies go for relaxation? A dead ranch.
128) What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
129) A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises."Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger. The man nods and keeps making the noises. The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?" The man replies "It keeps the elephants away." The stranger mentioned that there weren't any elephants for miles. The man smiled "See, it works!"
130) Have you ever seen an elf fly? It's at the top of elf pants.
131) If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee-holder.
132) What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.
133) What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? What do you know... People on the rocks!
134) A chicken and a pig were knocking back a few beers at the tavern one night when the chicken said, "Hey, let's go into business together. We could open a ham-and-egg restaurant." "Not so fast," the pig replied. "For you it's just a day''s work. For me, it's a life-and-death proposition.
135) Did you here about the nearsighted whale that followed the submarine? Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.
Episode 3 coming right up! Stay tuned for more actions...
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